Alright, normally I try to stay away from being crabby when watching a movie, even more so when I'm reviewing it. But not today.
Today I review Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the film adaptation of the 2010 book of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith.
I should've stuck to my gut and abstained from watching this movie, but my brother wanted to go watch it so I impulsively went along.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter tells the fictitious untold story of Abraham Lincoln. Before Abraham Lincoln became the 16th President of the United States, he was a vampire hunter. Taught in the ways of vampire hunting by Henry Sturges, a veteran vampire hunter, Lincoln learns the skills needed to exact his revenge on the vampire that killed his mother.
Probably 75% of the movie is a flash back. I assumed when the narrator (Lincoln) rambled on about his "untold story", that it was just gonna be a 20 minute scene where he sees so and so get killed and then showing honest Abe getting all angry and what not.
Nope, the entire movie was his origin.
So the entire movie, I was kinda just sitting there thinking, "this is a really long flash back". I blame the narrator's wording.
It might as well have been a flash back because the scenes in the movie moved so bloody fast. At one point you see Mr. Lincoln swinging an axe with kung fu fluidity, next he's in Illinois looking for work. The segue with the scenes was brutal. It was a keep up or die, I mean, not that it was hard to follow this movie at all.
I think the problem was that this movie tried so hard to be blade, but it couldn't pull it off.
The fighting scenes were highly stylized in that every. little. thing. had. to. be. bullet. time.
It drove me insane. Every axe swing, every decapitation, every gunshot, was all slowed down. Like, I realize that this was super cool at one point, but I think we've passed that point. It was almost as bad as if a movie were to parody the famous bullet dodge scene from the first Matrix.
You can do better dang it.
Should you go see it? Probably not. Just buy the book, it'll benefit your brain.
Case and Point
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is: like getting dumped; it gets worse the more you think about it.